To my daughter

Did I make the wrong choice....maybe...I made a lot of wrong choices. I did what I thought was best. I didn't know what would happen, that it would get so bad, that so much shit would be talked about, that as your mother I wouldn't be respected. I was told he had me whatever I needed that I would always be taken care of....i didn't know. I was taught such an old school version of how family should be. I was promised things that fell apart. Never in any of it did I stop loving you. I stayed when I shouldn't have. Tried to keep our family looking like everything was all OK, secretly broken, secretly scared, just wanting a good life for you no matter what it took. You will never know the person I tried to be to make things right. Things I never wish on you ever!! The past is the past the now is the now!! I am trying so hard to be the mom I wanted when I was your age. There are things I won't say cuz I keep my promises. One day when your heart gets broken, god forbid, you will understand. One day when hopefully you have kids of your own you will get it. Its not hate, its what should be. what we, both me and your daddy, believed in. I will keep my promises, I will forever be here when you need me no matter what is said or what has been done. Stepmom....ha...does she want you or just him. Even snakes shed their skin. I will be here for you always!!! If you can remember that we will always be ok. I loved you before I saw you, told daddy to chose you over me when I almost died having you. I'm so proud of who you are, don't let this bullshit affect your choices, make the right ones for you and I will support you always!!!!

Why do the good die young

My family has lost another good soul. I find myself feeling more alone. My faith shaken to its core. Too many people have been taken from my life. That late night phone call is all to familiar but your never prepared. Even my own children can tell those kind of tears. Too many.
There are times where you just want to stop the clock. Put your children in a bubble. You just never know...
The hard part is with every broken heart you have to realize you've gained an angel. Life has to go on. You can not fear death.
You may not know why. You may curse god. Break down for a time. But those that have gone before us would never want us to not live, because i'm sure if they knew then what they know now they would live a great life.
You will be missed forever.

Blast from the past

I thought of you tonight.
Were you a night owl too. Sitting in your chair. Maybe cheetos or peanuts, maybe puffing butts.
Stroking my hair, or rubbing my back, knitting that sweater or blanket.
Your hugs were like magic, my mini has that too, when i hug her i think of you.
I do not remember generations of old but you i remember most of all.
Because of you i have great memories and i strive everyday to pass that on.
They took you too soon. Its been a long time and yet i miss you still.
I love you grammy.

Wet paper bag

Sometimes when at work, no matter how much you need the money, no matter what kind of night it is....your fighting for your way home. Maybe it's just me...but home in that someone's arms, or even in your pjs alone with a glass of wine is a deep breath. Some may not feel this way. Some fall asleep without thought. It takes time for us night owls to just stop.
There are those nights, where table after table after table just drag you down, not only weakening your pocket but changing your views on integrity and respect of people. Yet home, where trust, honesty, old fashioned values still hold true is completely where your heart is.
So there you count down the hours, start hoping you don't get anymore tables and you finally get home, always too late no matter how hard you try.
You count, and sigh, look either to your left and or right and realize you still could have done better.
Yes you are home.....now what. . .
Set the alarm live a better tomorrow.

Afterthought

When the world around you stops for a min, just a min. You take a deep breath. Sometimes you hit those runs of just bad days. When one thing after another just goes wrong. Its just to remind you of all the right. Another deep breath, put the sun on your face. You have had worse days, you'll be ok :) ok back at it.... Have a great day.

So you want real.

Once upon a time a server in the food industry; to benefit their family and prove, who knows something, picked up a double. (Those of you that know will totally understand lol). Its summer... doubles for non closers out by.. 10 ... ok cool.. Morning goes great, gets to be mom, see their faces, hugs them tight.... Goes to work. First thing in the door its an event night....you ain't leaving.
Instead of pursuing greatness this server went to bitch status.
All along thinking of just better ways to boost morale. It's doable. The server sees a better way with everyone helping everyone, everyone making money.
The day drags on. . . more cigarettes than ever necessary.. (Ya don't judge) Every time the momentum picks up it ends and takes the wind out of their sails. They just want everyone to pull together they want to see smiling faces.
The night comes to and end, server goes home. Do you know how long it takes people like this to wind down. Anyway some are lucky to have those that stay up. Some are lucky to just have those who understand. This server... Wants to cry.. Stays up with social media, a heartfelt movie...just mentally awake. Knowing now if the mind could just be controlled... "Today would've been ok"she says.
If there was only a switch so people could just fall asleep.
Sometimes a lesson is learned. Sometimes you just move on.
Deep breaths.
You got this
You are you!!
To all the servers out there...those that know nothing else, those that are making their life better with an education, those just serving, go for greatness, at least be a team member. It works out for Everyone

50%

So when you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up everyone tells me I said a mom. 17 years later and I'm faced with something different. I got divorced and became a part time mom. I can't tell you enough how weird that is. It's not right to watch them go with their dad for a few days. It's not right to not know they are or aren't  sleeping soundly, to give them a kiss every morning and every night. I miss them all the time. I miss my family. Not like you think but the dynamic of them everyday. Having to share kids sucks. In every single way.
I made promises that I will keep forever. As long as they are safe. I will sit here without them. And enjoy the days I have them.