Blog Archive

Friday, October 7, 2016

Truth, love, friends, aftermath

I am one of a kind, i'm not perfect but i have a heart of gold. I have seen life pull you in so many directions it changes in a heartbeat. I have been broken beyond anything i thought was possible to get through. I still struggle and have my insecurities but i try every day to push through fears and anxieties. I come across like a bitch cuz i just don't trust anymore.
If you have my trust and by trust I mean the hope that your not lying or doing me dirty in anyway then you have a true place in my heart.

When you have had life smack you in the face you look at things in a whole new way.
Friends should have each others backs not compete with each other. Us women should have respect enough to respect other women. Men you should respect the truth. Even a little tiny lie when brought to life can shatter the way we look at you.  Don't put someone else in a position you yourself wouldn't want to be in. Noone wants to be the fool.

So to my friends my loves my boos my inner circle thank you for loving the imperfect me and you truly are beautiful people.


Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Late night recap

All i can do is believe in myself. Hope and pray i'm making the right decisions throughout my journey. My heart feels so empty and so full at the same time. If she only knew how much I loved her. If we could only talk about the hard times. Move past them. I wish she could see how proud i am. Noone tells you how hard it is to let your kids go. These late teen years have been crazy hard. But i am here stop pushing me away.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A moment of silence

Hold the ones you love tight!! You never know if there is a tomorrow. 3 in my family in 3 months, how much more can we take. Keep my babies and the family safe, the man i love and his family TOO. I'm at a loss for words...the whole story to come...broken hearts for now.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Pep talk

Today is a new day you can do this!!!!

I hate when the kids get picked up to go to their dads. I mean it's his time, he's a good dad, but still sucks!! So this is what i have to say to myself to just understand, this is life, go make it better, for YOU. No one else can do it for you. There's no more excuses. Just go do you!! Sooooo.

Today is a new day, you can do this!!

Straighten up that crown and go!!!

Monday, June 20, 2016

Struggle of the mind

I find myself thinking....
I love more than words could explain.  I was so lost and yet my path led me here.  There's no one I would rather spend my time with. There's never been anyone I don't want to hide anything from.
Brutal truth was a concept that has become a reality everyday.
The differences between people are sometimes hard to understand but we try.
I came in like a wrecking ball, 4 kids and all to a man who never wanted kids. Found myself completely in love with something so different from my original plan.
You never think you will end up sharing your kids, losing almost everything you worked your life for and then trying to start a new family, a new life with someone who doesn't know your memories or theirs. There's pieces you lose along a path like that.  Building them back is harder than you think. But here I am on the brink of a new life, a new me, a new love that's just insanely right and he does love my kids. 
But wait...i don't know how to do this life and have my family dreams, love as passionately as i do but be my own person.
I'm still learning who I am. . .
I have to remind myself everyday that its ok to start a new life, its ok that the kids family just got bigger, that it might not be the original plan but its growing into something more than ever dreamed.

So have patience. I will rise from these ashes.

Almost there.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Difference of opinion



So my kids are outside playing with water guns and water sling shots cuz its hot out, they were told only one bucket of water so they are not in and out of the house refilling the bucket making a mess or waisting water as some pay for water. ....when checking on them we find my 8 year old son sitting on the ground with his head in the bucket of water.  Getting his hair wet, blowing bubbles, wishing he was in a pool who knows. .....i laugh because lets face it kinda a funny picture, and I smile because they are making due with what they have and not sitting inside playing video games, but i got a difference of opinion saying that was the stupidest thing ever why would he put his head in the bucket, comments like it must be a cultural thing, or I would never let my kids do that.... So now i'm looking for comments....who else's kids would put their head in a bucket??? Would you laugh? Would you stop them from doing it? .....????

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Choose to be a better people


We are all a universal people. There is no discrimination on Love. Each and everyone of us is meant to fly, to teach, to learn, to dream.  Soar high all you beautiful human beings. Reach for greatness. No more hate for your neighbors. If we can ban together in a world so full of selfishness and ridicule we can start a new world instead of destroying the one our elders have fought and worked so hard for.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Fated (a good read)

Legend has it there’s an intangible string of fate that binds two people destined to be together. Those connected are bound regardless of time, place or circumstance. Nothing can break the invisible thread between two people who are meant to be together.

The color red is strongly tied to attraction and desire. It is also the color of the string of fate that binds two soul mates.

The red string of fate is derived from an ancient East Asian belief. According to this myth, the Gods tie a red string around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other or help each other in a certain way.

The concept is similar to the Western concept of a “soulmate” or a “twin flame.” What is different is that this proverb focuses more on the concept of being “bound” to someone rather than finding your other half.

Like many old legends, the story behind the red string is somewhat problematic. It is said that walking home one night, a little boy saw an old man reading a book. He asked him what he was reading. The old man said it was a book of marriages, and told the young boy he was destined to marry one girl. When he showed the little boy the girl he was to marry, though….

The boy didn’t like the idea because he didn’t want to get married. He threw a rock at her and ran away as fast as he could. Years later, a marriage was arranged between the boy and one of the most beautiful girls in the village. But, when he unveiled her he noticed…

His wife-to-be had a small scar over her eyebrow. When he asked her about it, she told him that a boy had thrown a rock at her as a child. Thus proving their fateful union...

What happens when it stretches and tangles? At the crux of this proverb is submitting to a higher power. Destiny will take its course, and in time all will fall into place. It is important not to fight the red thread.

Even if you find the person on the other end of the fateful red string, that doesn’t mean staying together will be easy. The proverb is meant to instill loyalty, devotion, and compassion. The string is also there to make sure lovers remain faithful to one another.

No matter how near or far you are from the person, the thread remains. There will be times when mentally or physically, you feel distant from the person, but that doesn’t affect the thread that binds you two together.

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” — Rumi

According to Chinese legend, the deity in charge of the “Red string of Fate” is believed to be Yuè Xià Lǎo the old lunar matchmaker god. Yuè Xià Lǎo is also in charge of marriages.

In Japanese culture it is said the red string is tied around the pink finger. Hence the phrase “pinky swear.” Originally it indicated that the person who broke their promise had to cut off their pinky finger!

Caroline Highland of Thought Catalog writes, “The red threads don’t wind their way around our ankles as we walk, don’t catch on us as we brush past things—the Chinese believe that they emanate from us from birth, from the moment we enter the world. As we age, with each passing year, the threads grow tighter, bringing us close to the people whose lives are destined to intertwine with ours in some way.”

The same writer interprets the red thread as liberating. “How much easier it feels to fling ourselves out into the unknown, into a new place or stage of our lives, knowing those red threads are there, winding out into the future as they always have been, holding onto souls that will be waiting to catch us, teach us, touch us, change us.”

According to Wikipedia, “The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.”

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Sex

Sex sells. There is all kinds of sex. We spend a good amount of time telling our kids not to have sex. But the "adults" of the world. Sex sex sex. Morning sex, morning wood, nooner or sooners, at night with the lights on, at night with the lights off, shower sex, floor sex, kitchen counter sex, outdoors sex, rip your clothes off sex, make love to me sex, quickies, omg are you done yet sex, pity sex, celebratory sex, back seat sex, where'd those bruises come from sex, first time sex, one night stand sex, fake it sex, wake the neighbors sex, romantic sex, wall sex, makeup sex, breakup sex, half asleep sex, drunk sex, surprise sex, married sex, group sex, do it yourself sex, ...
Sex decreases stress, burns calories, stretches muscles you forgot you had maybe....
So...ya... Moral of the story is sex... everyone does it, and everyone talks about it....

Saturday, June 11, 2016

To my daughter

Did I make the wrong choice....maybe...I made a lot of wrong choices. I did what I thought was best. I didn't know what would happen, that it would get so bad, that so much shit would be talked about, that as your mother I wouldn't be respected. I was told he had me whatever I needed that I would always be taken care of....i didn't know. I was taught such an old school version of how family should be. I was promised things that fell apart. Never in any of it did I stop loving you. I stayed when I shouldn't have. Tried to keep our family looking like everything was all OK, secretly broken, secretly scared, just wanting a good life for you no matter what it took. You will never know the person I tried to be to make things right. Things I never wish on you ever!! The past is the past the now is the now!! I am trying so hard to be the mom I wanted when I was your age. There are things I won't say cuz I keep my promises. One day when your heart gets broken, god forbid, you will understand. One day when hopefully you have kids of your own you will get it. Its not hate, its what should be. what we, both me and your daddy, believed in. I will keep my promises, I will forever be here when you need me no matter what is said or what has been done. Stepmom....ha...does she want you or just him. Even snakes shed their skin. I will be here for you always!!! If you can remember that we will always be ok. I loved you before I saw you, told daddy to chose you over me when I almost died having you. I'm so proud of who you are, don't let this bullshit affect your choices, make the right ones for you and I will support you always!!!!

Why do the good die young

My family has lost another good soul. I find myself feeling more alone. My faith shaken to its core. Too many people have been taken from my life. That late night phone call is all to familiar but your never prepared. Even my own children can tell those kind of tears. Too many.
There are times where you just want to stop the clock. Put your children in a bubble. You just never know...
The hard part is with every broken heart you have to realize you've gained an angel. Life has to go on. You can not fear death.
You may not know why. You may curse god. Break down for a time. But those that have gone before us would never want us to not live, because i'm sure if they knew then what they know now they would live a great life.
You will be missed forever.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Blast from the past

I thought of you tonight.
Were you a night owl too. Sitting in your chair. Maybe cheetos or peanuts, maybe puffing butts.
Stroking my hair, or rubbing my back, knitting that sweater or blanket.
Your hugs were like magic, my mini has that too, when i hug her i think of you.
I do not remember generations of old but you i remember most of all.
Because of you i have great memories and i strive everyday to pass that on.
They took you too soon. Its been a long time and yet i miss you still.
I love you grammy.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Wet paper bag

Sometimes when at work, no matter how much you need the money, no matter what kind of night it is....your fighting for your way home. Maybe it's just me...but home in that someone's arms, or even in your pjs alone with a glass of wine is a deep breath. Some may not feel this way. Some fall asleep without thought. It takes time for us night owls to just stop.
There are those nights, where table after table after table just drag you down, not only weakening your pocket but changing your views on integrity and respect of people. Yet home, where trust, honesty, old fashioned values still hold true is completely where your heart is.
So there you count down the hours, start hoping you don't get anymore tables and you finally get home, always too late no matter how hard you try.
You count, and sigh, look either to your left and or right and realize you still could have done better.
Yes you are home.....now what. . .
Set the alarm live a better tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Afterthought

When the world around you stops for a min, just a min. You take a deep breath. Sometimes you hit those runs of just bad days. When one thing after another just goes wrong. Its just to remind you of all the right. Another deep breath, put the sun on your face. You have had worse days, you'll be ok :) ok back at it.... Have a great day.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

So you want real.

Once upon a time a server in the food industry; to benefit their family and prove, who knows something, picked up a double. (Those of you that know will totally understand lol). Its summer... doubles for non closers out by.. 10 ... ok cool.. Morning goes great, gets to be mom, see their faces, hugs them tight.... Goes to work. First thing in the door its an event night....you ain't leaving.
Instead of pursuing greatness this server went to bitch status.
All along thinking of just better ways to boost morale. It's doable. The server sees a better way with everyone helping everyone, everyone making money.
The day drags on. . . more cigarettes than ever necessary.. (Ya don't judge) Every time the momentum picks up it ends and takes the wind out of their sails. They just want everyone to pull together they want to see smiling faces.
The night comes to and end, server goes home. Do you know how long it takes people like this to wind down. Anyway some are lucky to have those that stay up. Some are lucky to just have those who understand. This server... Wants to cry.. Stays up with social media, a heartfelt movie...just mentally awake. Knowing now if the mind could just be controlled... "Today would've been ok"she says.
If there was only a switch so people could just fall asleep.
Sometimes a lesson is learned. Sometimes you just move on.
Deep breaths.
You got this
You are you!!
To all the servers out there...those that know nothing else, those that are making their life better with an education, those just serving, go for greatness, at least be a team member. It works out for Everyone

Saturday, April 2, 2016

50%

So when you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up everyone tells me I said a mom. 17 years later and I'm faced with something different. I got divorced and became a part time mom. I can't tell you enough how weird that is. It's not right to watch them go with their dad for a few days. It's not right to not know they are or aren't  sleeping soundly, to give them a kiss every morning and every night. I miss them all the time. I miss my family. Not like you think but the dynamic of them everyday. Having to share kids sucks. In every single way.
I made promises that I will keep forever. As long as they are safe. I will sit here without them. And enjoy the days I have them.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

50/50 custody

I truly believe in this.
For whatever reasons your marriage doesn't work it is never because of your kids. If he is a good father or she is a good mother the kids should never have to chose.  Sharing your kids is hard, 50 50 custody is a pain in the ass, going back n forth, hearing both sides, dealing with new significant others. But those kids are an equal part of both of you they deserve the equality of both parents and to be loved wholely even tho their parents are apart. Never use kids as weapons or bargaining chips its not fair to them all they want is everyone to get along. They are dealing with heartache and confusion themselves. So even tho its not how you would do it, or your angry, hurt...the truth is you live different lives, you have different opinions,  but hey! guess what!  thats probably why your divorced in the first place. Don't take good parents away from their kids. Its the one thing your marriage produced that makes life worth it!
Try anyway!

Monday, February 29, 2016

Live life happy

Today I start a new path filled with positive thoughts and a work out routine.

Too much time has been lived in the past. Feeling now as if I am reprogramming my brain and teaching it something new.

So used to thinking that something is going to go wrong. In my life I learned that every time I admitted I was happy something would devastate my world. Whether it was personal sabotage, or betrayal, or even losing someone to God.

Its time to stop preparing for the bad, your never truly prepared anyway. Start noticing the smiles, the laughs, the days and days of happiness and realize its ok. You deserve this!! You are capable of everything and anything.

Someone told me recently that if you tell your mind what you want, and believe it to be so, you can have it.

So to the gym I go to kick my own ass so that my body can keep up with my mind.

Here's to all the women out there that started in one direction and are finding their new path. Sometimes its rocky and steep but worth it!!  Remember you are not alone, noone is judging you but you. Live life happy.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The walls we build

I've gone through a lot. I know what I want now and nothing will deter me off that path.
(That is what the strong side of me says. )
Finding yourself again later in life looking back on all your years you could have done better makes you want more!!
You no longer want to sort through the bullshit of life. You just want to keep living each day living happy. Because every time you cried was wasted. What do you have to show for your tears. Fear!! The fear of crying again. That you won't see the pain coming. That this time you might not get back up. When you've lost it all and you climb out of that dark hole you don't ever want to fall back down. So the walls start to build. Brick by brick with determination that they will not crumble.
But what happens when you've built that wall so strong that even when you think you can start to breathe you yourself can't get out. You've created this prison. You lose faith. You lose love. You lose happiness. You lose trust. Because its all there with you behind that big strong not gonna happen again wall.
You gotta set yourself free to move forward. You gotta take the wall down and leave it behind you. Could you get hurt yes, but what won't you see,feel, taste. You can live happy. You are allowed, it is ok !! And because of the strength and determination it took you to get to the here and now your one step ahead of the game because you know its in you.
So go. Make today great and tomorrow even better.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Monday mornings

     There are those people that bounce out of bed on monday ready to take on the world. . . and then theres me. I actually start to dread monday morning sunday night. I know, it's a waste to dread any day but for me monday mornings are cold and alone.